Category: Men and Women

Book Spotlight: Wild at Heart

wild-at-heartWild at Heart
by John Eldredge

Target Audience: All
Great for women who want to understand the male heart

What lies within the deepest parts of a man’s soul? What does he truly crave in life? What wounds him? What feeds his spirit?

In Wild at Heart, John Eldredge addresses the inner workings of the male being. Woman seeks to domesticate man, Satan seeks to wound him, and he himself seeks purpose and passion. Eldredge challenges men to stop holding themselves back – to defend against Satan’s lies and attacks, and embrace the design God had for man at the beginning.

Topics Covered:

  • Passionately living and pursuing adventure
  • Satan’s attacks on the male soul as well as his marriage
  • Finding validation as a man
  • The relationship between man and the Father, as well as the relationship between man and his earthly father
  • Healing from deep wounds with the help of Christ
  • Strategy in the midst of spiritual warfare
  • What a woman needs from her man

Available on Amazon
Available on Christianbook.com

For insight into the female heart, read Stasi and John Eldredge’s book, Captivating

Why the Man Chases

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERAIn this day and age, we have been convinced that since men and women are equal, that means that women should take on the role and responsibilities of a man in a relationship and vise versa. Wrong! Men and women each have their own responsibilities in a relationship. It is designed that way in order build the character of both parties and to help the relationship flourish to the fullest.

One particular responsibility we have become confused on is initiating a relationship. The man is made to chase, not the woman. Here’s why:

It Tests His Affections
A man goes after what he cares about. He will be the first in line at a midnight release for a video game or a movie, he’ll workout diligently each day to win a physical competition, or he’ll pick up a second job to get that motorcycle he’s been looking at. How much more valuable is a woman compared to these things! When a woman initiates the relationship, she will never truly know whether or not he responded to her advances because he was interested in her or because he felt lonely that week and thought, “Sure, why not? It beats being single.” A man who loves a woman enough will put in the effort for her. And she should let him, because she’s worth it.

It Keeps the Woman From Settling
If a man doesn’t chase a woman it is usually for one of two reasons: either he’s a coward or he isn’t interested. If he is a coward, he will struggle with being the leader of the relationship and probably will slack on his responsibilities as the man. If he isn’t interested, the relationship is doomed to fail no matter how the woman plays the game. A woman should want a man who adores and appreciates her, and who chooses her first, even 20 years later. A woman does herself no favors by being with a man who is there simply because he can be.

It’s His Job
A man has many responsibilities in a relationship, with pursuit being the first in the list. If he cannot take on the task of pursing a woman he cares for and wants to know better, how can he be expected to step up and do all the tasks that come after pursuit? Men are designed to be leaders, not only of the home but of the relationship; not because women lack leadership qualities, but because the man should guide his wife and family in a way that protects her and benefits the household. It does not benefit a man’s character for a woman to lead him; it instead promotes adolescence and laziness. So, ladies, let the man do his job. Not because you can’t do it, but because it’s his responsibility!

 

Women:
DON’T: Make excuses for his lack of courage or commitment
DON’T: Chase after guys
DO: Protect your heart
DO: Show interest in the guy you’re interested in

Men:
DON’T: Be a coward or afraid of rejection
DON’T: Be over-bearing or creepy
DO: Lead the relationship
DO: Show your affections

The Bad Boy

motor2Women are attracted to the “bad boys.” So much, in fact, that they’ll get themselves tangled up in horrible relationships, and shut out any advice or word of caution in order to keep what they are attracted to.

But it’s been my thought that there are certain qualities a bad boy has that women like, yet don’t quite understand what it is they are really attracted to. Let’s look at some of the typical bad boy qualities women find attractive and expose them for what they actually might be.

He doesn’t listen to anyone and doesn’t let anything stop him.
Actual quality you’re attracted to: He has his own mind
No woman wants a “yes” man. And that’s what makes the bad boy so attractive. He’ll tell his friends no, his parents no, and will even say no to you if he wants. Women want men who act like leaders and make solid decisions. The problem is that the bad boy doesn’t even listen to wise advice and doesn’t really consider the feelings of others. A man should make his decisions based on what is best, not on what he feels at the time. And he should always seek the council of God when he has to make a decision.

He’s aloof and somewhat anti-social, but you see his softer side.
Actual quality you’re attracted to: Intimacy
You see this quality in the movies a lot. The heroine reaches the heart of the bad boy and sees a light in him that no one else sees. The attraction in this is that the heroine has an intimate relationship with this guy that no one else has. And that’s a good thing to want! Marriage includes having a special relationship with your spouse that you can’t really share with anyone else. And maybe, on some level, women want that special relationship because we want to be the most important relationship a guy has. Your spouse should be your most important relationship, only 2nd to your relationship with Christ. But if no one else sees this “light” in your guy, it’s probably because he hasn’t reached his full maturity yet. It’s not your job to bring him to full maturity. It’s his.

He and his motorcycle hit the open road whenever they feel like it.
Actual quality you’re attracted to: Adventure and spontaneity
No woman wants a boring relationship! Every relationship should have open adventures and tons of spontaneity. It keeps it romantic and fun. The bad boy, however, will probably use adventure and spontaneity to get away from you when he’s in a bad mood instead of including you in it.

He’s possessive and somewhat violent.
Actual quality you’re attracted to: Protection
Even the women that can defend themselves want a man that can protect and defend them when necessary. Sometimes the outside world gets a little out of hand, and a woman wants to know she can depend on a man to back her up with the waters get choppy. The moment of fearlessness a man shows when things get dangerous is contagious; she’ll continue feeling fearless as well. But the bad boy normally is looking for fights that aren’t necessary, and will sooner or later turn his anger towards you. A violent and possessive man is not a mature man; he has no self-control. What you really want is a man who will protect what important: his family and loved ones.

I assure you, ladies, there are men out there with the qualities you’re really looking for that aren’t the lost, troubled bad boy who is more of a dangerous wild card than a solid safety net. Don’t cheat yourself out of what is best for the “bad boy” you are attracted to. The bad boy is bound to disappoint or even turn on you, but what is best will pleasantly surprise you.

Real Men

people2At one time or another, every single woman has thought to herself, “Why can’t I find a real man?” However, it seems that no one has really defined what a “real man” is. The media has its own opinion on the matter, throwing in generalized male stereotypes at every twist and turn, but are these types of guys really considered “real men?” Do these chick flick dream guys make the cut?

Qualifications

So what do women need? What are the qualifications for strong men?

Leadership
If a man can’t lead his own life, he’s going to have a hard time leading a household. Not all men are born leaders and that’s fine, but a man who is fickle with decisions or can’t discipline and organize his own life probably won’t be much help when the kids come around. A real man should be able to lead his life well to show that he has the ability to lead a household.

Self-Control
Whoever said “Men are only after one thing” wasn’t totally off. Men are programmed for sex and that’s not a bad thing, but lack of self-control in that department is. Self-control also applies to anger, violence, and spending habits. A real man has self-control because it’s a sign of maturity.

Assertiveness
Nothing against shy guys, but assertiveness is a good trait to have. Assertiveness shows a woman that a man can put his foot down when it’s needed and shows a woman how capable he is in protecting her. No woman looks at a doormat and thinks that if push comes to shove that’s the guy that’s going to step up and speak up for her in her time of need. A real man is assertive because that shows a woman he can stand his ground.

Diligence
The bum in front of his XBox may be adorable, but if he’s still living in his mom’s house without a job, then chances are he’s not mature enough to take care of a family. Related to this, any man who only does half of a job isn’t the kind to be desired either. A real man should work hard and put in his best.

Kindness
Don’t get “kindness” confused with “doormat.” Kindness is when a man shows that he can be considerate of others and that he’s not simply out for himself. Let’s face it: if a guy is a jerk to others, he’ll end up being a jerk to you too. Even if by some chance he doesn’t, he will still influence your children. A child will pick up on the way he treats others and is bound to mimic it.

These are the traits that define a real man, not the Hollywood stereotypes. There are a few types that women should really avoid despite their attraction to them:

Types of Men Women Should Avoid

#1 Don Juan
Women are romantics. They love the fairytale prince that says all the right words and makes grand gestures of affection. Don Juan types know this. They know all the right words and all the right plays to get exactly what they want.

Men that say all the right things at all the right times probably don’t mean half of what they say. Chances are you’re not the only one they’ve spoken sweet nothings to. Romance in a game to Don Juans; they like to see how many women they can get to swoon over them. It’s bragging rights. I actually knew two guys in high school that had a competition to see how many girlfriends they could get in one year.

Don Juans aren’t worth a woman’s time. They have no respect for women and they don’t intend on sticking around.

#2 The People Pleaser
I think of The People Pleaser as the extreme cousin of Mr. Nice Guy. The problem with The People Pleaser is that he is more concerned with everyone being happy all the time than with putting his foot down when it’s needed. He’s wants to avoid confrontation to the point where he lacks discipline and assertiveness.

The People Pleaser is genuinely considerate, however, his extreme concern for making everyone happy makes him easy to manipulate by others. Sooner or later he ends up being resentful because nothing he does makes anyone happy. The weight he takes on by trying to make everyone happy will end up crashing into your lap.

Women don’t need a people pleaser. They need a kind leader. Know the difference.

#3 The Hulk
It doesn’t matter how well he treats you, a guy with a temper is a bad idea. No matter the situation, a guy who can’t control his anger is a man that lacks maturity and self-control. Real men need both of these traits.

It’s natural for a woman to want a man who can protect her, but a guy that can’t pick his battles wisely is more a threat to a woman than her bodyguard. This is a huge red flag that suggests verbal or physical abuse towards you in the future. It doesn’t matter how nice he is to you now, it doesn’t matter that you can see his inner soft spot, all that matters is he lacks self-control and you’re putting yourself in danger.

Life isn’t a chick flick, ladies. Don’t expect one of these guys to fall in love with you then change his misguided ways. You don’t want these types of guys; you want to find a real man.

What Happened to All the Real Men?

Women look for men with strong character. They want firm leaders, great providers, and disciplined fathers. When they find a man that they believe to be these things, they nab them.

Then as girlfriends and wives they tell men when to mow the lawn, decide where and when they’re going out, and then refuse to let the man pay because they are quite capable of taking care of themselves.

Wait– What?

A man wants to be the man in a relationship. A woman wants the man to be the man in the relationship. Yet the woman still ends up trying to be the man in a relationship. Sometimes it seems like women are so determined to show their equality that they forget their fulfilling roles as women.

Modern culture has blurred the lines of gender roles, bent on proving that women can do anything a man can do. That’s true. I don’t think anyone really disputes this statement. But in trying to act like men, we’ve decreased the percentage of the “real men” we keep searching for but can’t find.

Does that mean that women should give up all we’ve accomplished– give up our careers and independence? No, of course not. However, if we let men lead the relationship instead of trying to take over everything ourselves, we might find that men can actually rise to the occasion, and with a little discipline and confidence they can become the “real men” we want to find.

Now, I’m not talking about women that have to take on the male role to make a household survive. Women who take on the role of provider due the absence of a husband or a husband who is unable to take care of his family because of medical issues are commendable women. I’m talking about women who try to take on the male role because of impatience or pride. If a woman wants the man to be the man in the relationship, a woman has to accept her role as woman.

Yes, it’s true that a real man is rare and hard to find, but never settle for something less. A relationship founded on “well, I can’t find anything better” won’t last and isn’t worth it. Save out for a real man. He’s worth it.